McDynasty 2008

I'll see your negro, and raise you a vagina!

2008-08-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

On Blake's 72nd birthday, in a crass, brazen move that even Steven was appalled at, Blake and Dex (possibly drunkenly) commenced appointing ~~Dominique McDevaraux~~ Elly May McClampett as his running mate (arguably the second most important position in the world), obviously choosing her only to secure more conservative and/or women voters after meeting her exactly...once!

While McClampet recently delivered a live Downs Syndrome child instead of having an abortion, she returned to her job three days(!) after "birthin' him". Now, with this live but arguably partial birth-abandoned 4-month old in tow, and her three other children that are under 18, Krystle is deathly afraid they'll build an igloo on the property that will affect property values, and - even after Dex had to explain that they were seeking a different type of "values" voters - (and the simple fact that Elly May is younger than Krystle by at least several face-lifts, and what with Blake's history of leaving old trollops for baby factories) insisted that they live no closer than the trailer park across town.

Claudia was bitterly disappointed to learn that there would not, in fact, be a gaggle of "Mooses" on the south wing's lawn with the coming of this (undomesticated?) Alaskan family.

Apples to Apples

2008-08-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Amanda (the McCarrington's adopted daughter), after playing dress-up and dreaming of her wedding one day, decided to research the family history. She was shocked to learn that Krystle's father (the reason Blake, as Amanda thinks, is a spoiled rich guy), a convicted felon that used his organized crime connections to obtain illegal liquor licenses to launch the business that created the $100,000,000 estate that Krystle inherited, had been lured out of his first marriage by a devious home-wrecking hussy, still somewhat known to the family...

as "Grandma" (Krystle's mother).

This, of course, helped her understand those rumors that her father Blake had similarly been stolen from his first wife, by a trollop (named...Krystle!) who Blake, after living with her for the better part of a year, married literally one month after his divorce from Alexis was finalized.

Amanda also learned that both grandparents had two daughters (each had one from previous marriages), but only Krystle was the daughter of them both - and Krystle now goes around claiming to be an only daughter. Does this make Amanda suspicious that Claudia (the McCarrington's only birth daughter) might similarly heartlessly and cruelly cut Amanda herself, Claudia's own (although not "full") sister(!) out of any inheritance?

In the meantime, Steven feels Blake is acting cold and distant because Blake went an entire day without mentioning that he is a former POW. Steven also wonders why, on their trips together, Blake is refusing to come to the back of the bus and hang out. It's to the point that Blake won't really even speak to him at all. At their last interview, Steven even cried out "Do I know you?" when Blake was prickly and cold towards him.

Little does he know that Dex McDexter (McCarrington's campaign mananger) is forcing Blake to restrict his access because he is terrified of Blake's increasing confusion. Some senior party officials are saying that Dex even secretly refers to McCarrington as a doddering old dinosaur.

Claudia!

2008-08-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

At a recent BBQ that Blake and Dex McDexter threw for Steven at the multimillion dollar 20-acre Sedona compound (part of a trust and a limited partnership controlled by Krystle since individuals in America pay taxes, and Krystle ain't about paying taxes, I'll guarantee you that!), complete with a 4,000 sq. ft. main house, three to five additional guest houses, and a man-made private lake built for Blake so he could go fishing (which Steven characterized as "rustic" and "a weekend cabin" in his later "reports"), the McCarrington's birth daughter, Claudia Blaisdel McCarrington, wondered whether Steven and Dex might be in some sort of a sick sadomasochistic relationship, when Steven blurted out, "I feel so dirty, but dammit, I want to be used!"

Claudia, wisely, simply passed him a napkin, for the white "BBQ sauce" all over his face.

When Claudia graduated from an elite, private, "ivy-league" East Coast college - in fact, one of only two universities in the United States to have been founded by royal charter, her parents bought her a $700,000 condo - in cash (or Amex Black Card, same dif) - that has an interior that looks like a spaceship furnished by West Elm. She blogs there, and on the family private jet, Trollop One, for Blake's campaign.

You Can't Have Douchebag Without The "D"

2008-08-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

And Dex McDexter's got two!

Dex McDexter is a (possibly) former lobbyist running Blake McCarrington's campaign. Can one ever really over-mention the fact that in 2000 he push-polled about Blake and Krystle's adopted daughter from Bangladesh, Amanda, asking voters if it would change their opinion about McCarrington if they "were aware that he'd fathered an illegitimate black child"?

Sadly, Blake is afraid to lose this election, so he's hired Dex to ~~ruin~~ run his campaign.

His lobbying firm (Pasty, White, Fat, Balding and Rich) has brought in nearly $1 Billion in fees representing repressive dictators, fascist regimes and murderous tyrants, as well as some non-oil companies and foreign interests.

Dex always says "$931 million gets our special interests the best government money can buy."

Jet! Set!

2008-08-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

Blake and Dex McDexter are figuring out how quell a rising brouhaha over Blake's confusion and inability to remember how many houses the McCarringtons own. When he was asked this in an interview by Steven, he responded "I'll have to have my staff get back to you"!

This seriously puts a dent in Dex's narrative of how Blake and Krystle McCarrington are just simple folks who could never resemble their elitist (community organizer) opponent. But, wouldn't you know that both Blake and Dex used Blake's past POW status as his excuse?! "Don't forget! POW is the reason for the political season!"

Also, Blake sent two of his (pasty white, paunchy, balding, conservative - how diverse!) colleagues to go represent him at a recently-invaded Russian break-away state.

Then, to spice things up a bit, Krystle decided to fly her private jet to go there too, to visit their wounded vets and work on the removal of previously unknown landmines!! Was it simply a coincidence that the story broke at the same time that Blake's opponent's wife was addressing their party's National Convention?

Luckily for Blake, after he claimed on national TV during a religious debate that his definition of "rich" was "people with income of more than $5 million", he was talked out of starting a new attack group called "Uppity Negro Men for McCarrington", by Dex pointing out that it might be "too presumptuous", and Steven claiming it "shows lack of confidence". Just kidding... (about that very last part).

Steven McCarrington catch(er!) up!

2008-08-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

Steven McCarrington is an intrepid national news reporter that Blake used to spend lots of time and attention on.

Well, Steven was so smitten with Blake that he constantly built Blake up as a “maverick” when in reality Blake, even by his own admission, votes conservative party line 95% of the time.

Possibly because Blake was once a POW (in case you hadn't heard) Steven has also buried or deemphasized reports/stories that might harm Blake or Krystle, including such doozies as Krystle’s drug addiction, which led to her stealing drugs - from her charity for sick children! (Yes! She is only worth $100 MILLION!)

Or that Blake is the only donor to a million dollar “family foundation” that Krystle runs, which gives “donations” primarily only to their own childrens' exclusive private prep schools.

Or that Krystle went around claiming that Mother Teresa herself "implored" the McCarrington’s to adopt Amanda, which, of course, must have been a drug-fueled delusion, since everyone knows that certainly isn’t true!!

While Steven has not recently made any mention of Blake's manly smells, he is still probably a closet case. So, you don't have to worry about that.

Krystle McCarrington backgrounder

2008-08-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Krystle McCarrington claims to be an only daughter, but actually has two half-sisters she won’t acknowledge

(one on Mom’s side and one on Dad’s.)

The one on Dad’s side got only $10,000 when the father died while Krystal got the rest of the estate worth $100,000,000 (that's $100 MILLION!), and Krystle even canceled that sister’s credit card (that the estate paid) the week she was in town for their father’s funeral!!

Keeping up with the McCarringtons

2008-08-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

Blake McCarrington divorced his first wife, Alexis McColby, who had been a swimsuit model, but got into a car accident while waiting on Blake to return from being a POW back in Vietnam, because she had surgery that shrank her more than 5 inches and the pain made her gain weight.

He married Krystle McJennings, a beer heiress 17 years his junior,
with a $100,000,000 fortune.

Now, he’s nearing 72 years old, which would make him the oldest candidate for that office in history, and he’s running for office against a black man.

When Blake ran for office eight years ago,

Dex McDexter disgustingly stooped so low as to push-poll that Blake had fathered an illegitimate black child (!) (Amanda McBedford, who was, in reality, adopted from Bangladesh).

But, now Blake’s so desperate to win
that he’s hired Dex to run his campaign!!