I'll see your negro, and raise you a vagina!

On Blake's 72nd birthday, in a crass, brazen move that even Steven was appalled at, Blake and Dex (possibly drunkenly) commenced appointing Dominique McDevaraux Elly May McClampett as his running mate (arguably the second most important position in the world), obviously choosing her only to secure more conservative and/or women voters after meeting her exactly...once!

While McClampet recently delivered a live Downs Syndrome child instead of having an abortion, she returned to her job three days(!) after "birthin' him". Now, with this live but arguably partial birth-abandoned 4-month old in tow, and her three other children that are under 18, Krystle is deathly afraid they'll build an igloo on the property that will affect property values, and - even after Dex had to explain that they were seeking a different type of "values" voters - (and the simple fact that Elly May is younger than Krystle by at least several face-lifts, and what with Blake's history of leaving old trollops for baby factories) insisted that they live no closer than the trailer park across town.


Claudia was bitterly disappointed to learn that there would not, in fact, be a gaggle of "Mooses" on the south wing's lawn with the coming of this (undomesticated?) Alaskan family.

Claudia!

At a recent BBQ that Blake and Dex McDexter threw for Steven at the multimillion dollar 20-acre Sedona compound (part of a trust and a limited partnership controlled by Krystle since individuals in America pay taxes, and Krystle ain't about paying taxes, I'll guarantee you that!), complete with a 4,000 sq. ft. main house, three to five additional guest houses, and a man-made private lake built for Blake so he could go fishing (which Steven characterized as "rustic" and "a weekend cabin" in his later "reports"), the McCarrington's birth daughter, Claudia Blaisdel McCarrington, wondered whether Steven and Dex might be in some sort of a sick sadomasochistic relationship, when Steven blurted out, "I feel so dirty, but dammit, I want to be used!"

Claudia, wisely, simply passed him a napkin, for the white "BBQ sauce" all over his face.

When Claudia graduated from an elite, private, "ivy-league" East Coast college - in fact, one of only two universities in the United States to have been founded by royal charter, her parents bought her a $700,000 condo - in cash (or Amex Black Card, same dif) - that has an interior that looks like a spaceship furnished by West Elm. She blogs there, and on the family private jet, Trollop One, for Blake's campaign.

Jet! Set!

Blake and Dex McDexter are figuring out how quell a rising brouhaha over Blake's confusion and inability to remember how many houses the McCarringtons own. When he was asked this in an interview by Steven, he responded "I'll have to have my staff get back to you"!

This seriously puts a dent in Dex's narrative of how Blake and Krystle McCarrington are just simple folks who could never resemble their elitist (community organizer) opponent. But, wouldn't you know that both Blake and Dex used Blake's past POW status as his excuse?! "Don't forget! POW is the reason for the political season!"

Also, Blake sent two of his (pasty white, paunchy, balding, conservative - how diverse!) colleagues to go represent him at a recently-invaded Russian break-away state.

Then, to spice things up a bit, Krystle decided to fly her private jet to go there too, to visit their wounded vets and work on the removal of previously unknown landmines!! Was it simply a coincidence that the story broke at the same time that Blake's opponent's wife was addressing their party's National Convention?


Luckily for Blake, after he claimed on national TV during a religious debate that his definition of "rich" was "people with income of more than $5 million", he was talked out of starting a new attack group called "Uppity Negro Men for McCarrington", by Dex pointing out that it might be "too presumptuous", and Steven claiming it "shows lack of confidence". Just kidding... (about that very last part).

Krystle McCarrington backgrounder

Krystle McCarrington claims to be an only daughter, but actually has two half-sisters she won’t acknowledge

(one on Mom’s side and one on Dad’s.)

The one on Dad’s side got only $10,000 when the father died while Krystal got the rest of the estate worth $100,000,000 (that's $100 MILLION!), and Krystle even canceled that sister’s credit card (that the estate paid) the week she was in town for their father’s funeral!!